Insecurities-Digging Deep, like way deep!

Ok time for me to have more gratitue adn less attitufe....come on, you nkow what I mean....I've been grumpy or agitatable lately......(like the new word agitatable????????)  While feeling crummy I have done some sole ( as in walking) therapy.....walked for an hour and half this morning. I have no idea how far....it just felt good...anyway, back to my topic (by the way that's twice already I have been off topic, so hang in there with me!) Starting with the last week of work for me I have been thinking about my insecurities. Yep. There I laid it out on the line. I am insecure. In ALOT of ways......do I look ok? will I catch all my typo errors (Uhhh, negative, on that one), do I cook healthy meals for my family? Am I good wife? Do I have a good rapport with the families I work with? Am i growing as Christian (((triple ouch that one seems to hurt alot))).....Am I strict enough with the girls? Do I allow them enough independence? Am I teaching them what they need to know? Am I taking enough time for me? There...you get the idea. These are questions that go through my head fairly often. FAIRLY OFTEN (with emphasis)

The question is what am I going to do about this now that I realize and admit that I am insecure. Good question. Really good question.....I have trying (it's been hard focusing on reading lately) some women's christian books and they are starting to help.  I would tell you the name of them but thery are in the bedroom and Coy is asleep in there....I have to remember some things when self doubt starts creeping in.....Number one, I am a child of the King...Period..Always and Forever. There are some fringe benefits of being a Child of the King, such as having a heavenly Father that will whisper in my ear "It's ok...try it-- Forget the results....do your best and let me handle the rest..." Hummm that's food for thought....One of the insecurities we (as in God and I) is my social life. Basically I have none. Purely by MY choice...Not because people don't want me around (I don't think people think I stink...that's my story and I'm sticking to it...). But because I have no confidence in this area.  I have no practice in this area. When I was in high school something happened with me and my group of friends. I have no idea what. Seriously. No recollection. Two really good friends just quit talking to me and barely speak to me this day. I don't know if I said something, was agitatable or what. I don't know. It doesn't matter. What matters is that it made me scared. Scared to get close to people. In college I pulled away from friends as best I could. One friend, Lori, just flat out refused to let me. Yes, we've been mad at each other but she always believed in me. To this day I know I could call her and she would drop her little family and listen to me and be honest with me. I so appreciate that. (And I was very agitatable when we ran out out of toilet paper once) And there was Leigh Ann, Cassie, and Beth. They just flat out accepted me. Made me one of their own and didn't think it was strange (at least that I know of) that I enjoyed being alone studying......they are like sisters...They let me go to bed early and close all thecloset doors.......haha....Leigh Ann also told me every morning that my clothes matched even though she would be laying in bed without her glasses on....then I got married and moved to Evant....more wonderful firends, especially Cathy and Stacia....they helped me so much....I could be myself and not feel like I didn't fit in with them. When I would have a melt down they would hold my hand...They would also tell me how the cow chews the cabbage when I needed it too....still do....when I need it! Then came in Eustace.....we've been here 10 years. WOW! Deanna has been with me from the beginning....I can still call her and just cry when I need to....my walking group has helped me alot, too. I only wish we could do it year round. Kim has helped me raise the girls since she had them both. I know I can call her and laugh or gripe and she'll get me back on track...Which leads me to Mabank and my final point....my Mabank friends...Jane, Gina, Tina, Casey, and Sundee....those ladies..well let's just say they are definately helping to make me and mold me. Teaching me how to do girly things I never thought I was even intterested in (like coloring my hair to hide the gray) or making me wear certain types of bras ( and checking to make sure I had it on)........making sure if we went out to lunch there would be something there for me to eat on my diet...Yeppers, they are helping to make and mold me....even when I am aigtatable and pull deep inside myself. They let me be me.....and that my firends helps with my insecurites....tremendously. I'm getting a little more confidence back to having a 'social' life.....

I have watched one of my little sisters grow up, get hurt, love, lose a child, love even harder and still manage to make time for friends. I can too. She has been there for me and has set an example of making time for friends and myself.......bout time I took a lesson or two from her! She tells me what to wear over the phone and helps me practice what to say in social situations..... I am blessed....truly blessed.....

My church family here in Eustace has been accepted me and loved me as well. My Sunday School class is the best. We are a diverse group of people. Some retired, some still working, some talk, Coy really doesn't, the teacher wants to have a class party but noone else does......haha.....it is such a blessing to have people that just accept me. We also have a secret sister exchange at church....I haven't worked myself up to actually going to a get toggether of the ladies (see, there comes that insecurity again).....I always have an excuse...but will try to make it at least once this year. I have made some wonderful friends there...again I am so blessed...

I believe Gods will is to get me out of my cocoon.....so folks, I am working on it.....and meeting some Mabank friends for lunch on Monday. Yes, even this is an insecurity for me. But it will be just us girls (I will wear the right bra, too) and I am a Child of the King.....He will help me!!!



Now then, there's just a little glimpse inside the wandering mind of Laurie. I am left wondering if every mother gets this emotional when her baby girl gets her wisdon teeth out them comes out of her room crying because she is hurting......or maybe it's just the prednisone....or maybe, just maybe I am growing a little.....whatever it is.....I'm going with it......

~Laurie